Giving up.... :) :(

I know life's gonna be tasteless
with you not being around
For you've forever been so tempting
and your sweetness knew no bounds

During the dark n dull moments
when nothing seemed to be good
Thinking of you alone
would always lift up my mood

Life does demand, giving up
things that one truly adores
So when you'll finally leave
I'd want you all the more

"I'll miss you", is an understatement
for something that brought on my smile
Its gonna be hard to stay away
even if its just for a while!!

This is one of the toughest decisions I've taken..!!
a few sacrifices do benefit us...I sincerely hope this one works the best for me.... :)

The last night call...

I was half asleep,felt some vibrations near my pillow,within few secs i realized it was my cell phone ringing...displaying Radhika..the call was unexpected,as it was too late for her to sleep..i recieved the call......"hello"! instead of an ans i heard a cry!!that was really unexpected....something started running in my head....thought "it is the same cheapo who has disturbed her terribly", coming out of my thoughts i requested her to calm down....and she did..it was her turn to speak out..u cant even guess wt was the reason!!he was not that cheapo,her few classmates (damn!they made her cry)!just becoz she scored good in her GRE..She went through all those taunts and cheap comments..which made her feel isolated ...she felt as if she was standing in a solitude...now tell me, should it be a reason for someone to cry??why some people who not even hold a place in our lives, influence it so much..now she is fine...all of herself...happy cherishing..all of them dosen't bother her any more..i just wanna say........never let others to affect ur life..this bothers ur near ones..be happy ...because someone wants to see u happy!!

In search of ME...........

Inspite of being surrounded by all my friends, spending lots of time with them, talking with them for hours together...i feel something's missing...its been more than a month nw...there's something..don't know wht...that's making me sad, very sad...I'm smiling, cracking jokes, having a wonderful time but deep inside me there's a certain void...a vacuum...each smile seems pretentious...I fail to understand whats gone wrong...exteriorly everything is so very perfect...but underneath it all...i don't know...I really don't know..I've never been so vague about myself...but this time its like i've no idea...I need to get myself back...the real me seems lost...totally, completely lost!! :( :(

On special demand...

This is for u, Richa...tried to express ur feelings... :)
it might not be perfect but then i'd promised you na!!
so here goes...


The night wasn't dark
for the stars twinkled bright
The heavens showered their love
as u walked into my life

Its no longer a solitary me
"We" it is all the while
With you by my side,I believe
I can always walk that extra mile

Even as I think abt ur anger
and those times I'd felt bad
My mind tends to lead me away
far away from all that was sad

The days when you won't be here
are something i wouldn't like to measure
Its just our lovely memories
that I now wish to treasure

Each moment's been full of love
every day filled with comfort n care
Whatever I do, whichever way I go
I know you'll be there...each and everywhere!!!

The twelve hours!!!

'Goodbye'...this single word shall ring in my ears forever.
what followed this single word were plenty of tears, endless calling on a no. that continued to stay switched off and a sleepless night!!!

i guess i love learning my lessons the hard way...i don't know why i behave as if i'm the biggest duffer on this planet??(which i actually am, no proof needed.period)

Well, this single word did teach me a lot and thanx to it i hope i'll improve and not change[using your point, buddy] (*winks*)

everything was back to normal(i still don't understnd wht is normal) within 12 hrs without any hint of anger though i could sense your disappointment, rockstar (*sighs*)
I'm gonna work on my faults n i promise no one shall have any complaints!!!
(*few more tears interspersed with a single smile*)

Two big zeroes after no. thirteen :) ;) :P

Well, this is one more of my "thank you a lot" posts!! :)
I'd like to mention here few of my friends who've encouraged me immensely over the past 6 months or so...!! :)
Richa - who handled evrything in college perfectly in my absence..took over a huge load off my shoulders..HATS OFF TO U SWEETIE!!

Snehal - my partner in crime(not literally ha..)got to know u better over these days, hope we'll head off together..'TWAS FUN BEING WITH U!!

Devesh - I bugged u all the time with my silly doubts n u solved them effortlessly, taking out time from ur busy schedule, not even once did u say no to me..YOU ARE GREAT, ROCKSTAR!!

Ravi - one person who reminded me to work hard each day n made me realise that I cud do really well..YOUR WORDS HELPED A LOT BUDDY!!

Nitesh - you taught me to stay cool n calm...THAT HELPED ON THE FINAL DAY!!

Parag - those links u'd sent were damn good..THANX A TON, DOC!!

Shreya(she always said i cud manage sumthing decent enuf), Amey(shall remember those maths sums), Pranay(helped me with the basic concepts)..it seems endless :P

Actually each of my friends - who tolerated my refusals to go out for parties, movies, picnics etc etc..
I did my job but without your interference..oops..i mean support it wouldn't have been possible...LOVE U ALL!! :);):p

Great expectations!!

Firstly this has got nothing to do with a Charles Dickens novel of the same name.
Secondly I don't know whether anything's great about expectations.
And finally i never wanted to write about this expectation thing,it just came out!!

Whats with an expectation?? I ask myself time and again, but there are no answers that satisfy me..

Like any other human being i have plenty of expectations from everybody around me. and yeah, people do expect a lot from me too..but its inevitable that expectations don't get fulfilled and when that occurs its really hurts...very badly!!
at times i feel there's no use expecting from people..lead your own life and let others'lead theirs...fullstop.
Attachment, emotions, staying in touch with each other..seems so obsolete naa..after all who cares..

"there's so much happening in my life..who am i to bother about others"...
"you'd never understand what i'm facing right now..its not as simple as u think it is"
"i forgot your birthday..c'mon thats not the only thing i've got to remember"...blah, blah, blah

These are some of the things i've gotten used to now...well..can't say whether i'm sad, disappointed or plain angry to be penning it all...maybe its a mixture of everything!!
I never imagined life would take such a twist once i grow up..
just yesterday it seems all was so well..
Maybe i'd been expecting more than the others could handle..
i guess i should reconsider my expectations now..its high time..
enough of being made to look like a fool..

"well done...so where's the party?"
"you were sick..kya yaar bataya bhi nahi tune?"
"you people are special..how'd u even think that i'd forget you.."etc etc etc

Whats with these expectations??..i'll never understand..

Scribble...

This isnt a poem nor a story..there's no proper structuring just plain feelings direct on paper!!! :) :)

In the middle of the night,
more than two decades ago,
a child's cries shattered
the quietude of the surroundings..
it was a simple indication
of the many sleepless nights u were gonna endure..
Yet Never for a moment
did u leave the child alone,
to hold her close was like a dream come true,
she was the most precious part of you
Over the years you bestowed love n care,
your unspoken appreciation worked wonders,
every achievement made your heart swell with pride,
the satisfaction on your face said it all
you were forever eloquent with your praise,
your criticism was always welcome
your faith and belief weaved magic
all your encouraging words shall never get erased..

I owe u such a lot dear ma n pa..
that words seem to fail me...
yet i try expressing something
through this trivial verse in my way...
your unconditional love just makes me feel
more and more blessed every single day!!

Radhika
18.8.08

Fit again...

15th Aug 08
Ah...such a dreadful day...couldnt enjoy India's independence.for here i was fighting my own bacteria and viruses!! :(
i woke up with a terrible stomach ache...the poor throat was already suffering...
tried to tackle the throat first so drank a glass of hot milk...alas! the stomach had got worse..out it all came..
i guess my entire GIT had got infected...my family physician was on a holiday so all i did was wait(decided against any of the self medications)..;)
by the afternoon my pulse was racing...i caught hold of the thermometer...it showed a reading of 100..damn!!
aai and papa were worried.papa kept on mentioning - such a weak immunity you have, cant you take care...yeah so my defence mechanism wasnt functioning properly..but i knew everything was going to be right soon...
till night all i had was half a glass of pomegranate juice and an apple..wow..
and then i fell asleep!!!

16th Aug 08
yesterday's gone..i'm feeling like myself again..all hale and hearty..my immunity's fine...there's a bit of the weariness but its gonna disappear soon..
its rakhi today...akshu' wanting me to tie on the rakhi since morning...
will do that too..got to get a bit ready(hehe)
time to celebrate...
bbye to all those viruses and bacteria...thanx for visiting...but mind it i dont want you again...not for some time now!!!

Dil maange More...:)

13th Aug 08
Now tht i decided to take things in a relaxed way...i knew i needed to breathe in some fresh air...the pollution nauseates me and i feel sick all the time..so me, aai n akshu went out for an evening stroll.

It being the rainy season there was greenery all around and i simply marvelled at the verdant fields...but one thing that caught my sight and inspired me to go out walking everyday were the pretty peacocks...who were busy biting at the grass and calling out to each other..kuhuhu..kuhuhu...
This was such a treat for the eyes, the ears and the soul that i couldnt help but feel elated.The tranquility filling the surroundings was awesome!!!
There's nothing better than nature...

Soon me and akshu waved the peacocks gudbye, eager to see them the next day!!!Aai
was smiling seeing our happy faces.
Life i now believe is so full of surprises...and the heart just keeps asking for more...;):)

The change is here!!!

12th Aug 08
"So you finally told him tht u wont continue doing this CR thing??"
"yeah..he didnt agree though"
"now what??"
"i dont care...its over from my side."
Richa had observed me all these days..worked up, tensed and she saw me today...satisfaction on my face...she simply grinned.

We went to Khushbu's place tht same day and while returning back it started raining.
The rain lashing violently...i couldnt see who or what came in front of me..i just went on driving...getting wet, forgetting that i had a sore throat..i drove on and on..
I had my raincoat but then didnt feel a bit like wearing it...i wanted the rain to soak me...i felt free...free from all the hassles, the invisible chains tht had kept me bound fell off and there i was like a carefree bird..soaring high in the skies...following my heart.
Rules no longer mattered!

This isnt insomnia??

Lately i've been losing a lot of sleep over my studies(ha..ha).
The mind seems to enjoy working overtime these days(i somehow dont find the work it does acceptable)i wouldnt mind if my mind did something creative but cramming up wordlists and doing math problems isnt actually my cup of tea/coffee..whatever!
sadly i dont have many options(..read any??)

the actual problem is tht i havnt been able to stick to one thing(very fickle)..as i pick up my PSM book, i think of chest physio...but as soon as i complete a part of the breathing exercises...i hear my barron's calling me(damn)...
this is just the tip of the iceberg.
i've never ever shirked my responsiblities and have been equally aware of my duties.
being the class representative for the past two years i have been too obedient, too polite, too respectful. but c'mon everyone needs a break.
these days i've been caring less about those around me, losing my patience, my sanity and last but not the least my precious sleep!!
i even gave up writing poetry..no feelings, no emotions, no words!!

well, the thought process doesnt stop..so i've all the solutions at hand..
will be quitting the post i held for 2 years[..i must mention tht long time ago i did enjoy it..cant deny its perks :)]now's the time to hand over the ship to sumbody else and be one of the crew.happy sailing:)

i'll try concentrating on my course books as the dreadful exams are looming large. come sept. the faculty would be ready to pounce on us poor souls.

and finally abt handling the main exam..i believe i can manage that too.
hopefully with less burden on my shoulders all my tensions will come to an end,
i'd stop worrying unnecessarily and life wud be better again[life already seems a bit better..i penned down a poem recently:):)]
umm..so everything's sorted out..good.

one last question...will all the above let me take a good night sleep or will i continue suffering from what u call insomnia???

p.s - insomnia: a condition of being unable to sleep.
i guess i desperately need a few soporific lectures..(sighs)

All's well now!!!

HEADLINE: THE MIND IS GRACIOUS IN DEFEAT!!!
:) :) :)

Peering through the window
I see 'you',waving goodbye
A pall of gloom descends as you disappear!

Life continues at the same pace even as
the heart stays bereft of emotions...

My mirror eyes me solemnly
And I tend to look away, still sad,
unwilling to accept the unwarranted lack of cheer!

Dreams are offering me company
while hope doesnt allow me any solitude...

Then this sudden downpour from nowhere,leaves me drenched
After which the sun shines all bright again
drying away each and every tear

Thus overwhelmed by nature's own blessings
emerges from the shadows,a very new & resurgent 'me'...

No poetry!!!

Well, I wished to express myself today but there are no words..the blank pages of my diary are staring hard at me and i am...clueless.
This has never happened before.
I can hear this feeble voice coming from somewhere deep inside me.
But I dont want to hear it.
The mind has now taken over and it says...'keep away from poetry' and I'm listening to it...
I'm feeling sad and hurt but everything else seems well...
Lets see how long the brain can rule.

Thats all I could do...!!!

Forever inspiring, always listening
I wonder, if u cud hear my silence too
Blessed are those who get such friends
and grateful am I, to be having you!!

There were days when u did hurt me
and your bluntness was sharper than a knife
Then there were the times you stood by me
both in happiness & sorrow alike

Almost perfect, full of confidence
I believe, thats how everyone knows you
But there's this stubborn yet innocent kid
somewhere, visible only to a few

Nothing could be more pure
than the friendship that we share
Its a beautiful relationship
that has been nurtured with lots of care

Unforgettable are those petty fights
your ways of making me understand
Those unnecessary sorry's n thankyou's
that you constantly banned

I could go on and on
for this story's never gonna end
Yet I'll stop right here
coz I know the rest you'll comprehend!!!

Random...

As the days roll on
all the equations change
The lips bring on that smile
but the eyes fail to reciprocate

The sun no longer appears bright
and the rays of hope disappear too
Remembering those days of yore
today seems just so out of date

The winds dont ruffle the leaves
and the flowers fail to bloom
Those butterflies still hover around
as I wonder, is that worth the wait??

Thinking of it all,I fall asleep
and soon dreams overtake my thoughts
Thus the world is all beautiful again
for everything in it is so appropriate!!

My stressbusters....

The other day we were talking when one of my friends just mentioned about smoking and drinking.He said tht they give a high or something like tht...one gets relieved of all stresses..makes u feel better and all that nonsense. Me calling it all nonsense bcoz i fail to understnd why people indulge in such ridiculous activities tht are more harmful then helpful.

Anyways it made me think abt my ways of coping with stress.And guess wht my list of stressbusters is quite long..it comprises of all those people who have made an impact on my life and those things tht stay with me always..Stressbusters isnt an appropriate word but then thinking abt them or talking to them does help me with overcoming my apprehensions!!!

Here goes:

1. Dearest mum - talking to her always makes me feel a lot better...she's the best mom in the whole world. With her being around i knw nothing's gonna go wrong.All my anxieties n fears are allayed just by her sheer presence...we r the best of frnds...she knws me inside out n can understnd my feelings without me even having to mention a word.

2. Daddy - well wht do i say abt him...its just tht i love him, he's my biggest strength just like mom...he does care abt me a lot bt u see men dont express everything na bt then i do understnd...i'm so proud to be his daughter...whnevr he's there i knw all my prblms will be solved n my indecisiveness wud cease.

3. Akshu - he's the apple of my eye.spending time with him is like being a kid again. i forget tht i'm grown up. Playing with him lets me be so happy...his world is so full of innocence, there are no worries, no tensions. he's one my cutest stress buster.

4. My grandparents - they have inspired me n helped me become a stronger n more determined person. Their blessings shall have always been with me...their comforting words allow me to forget my worries.

5. My friends - i'd mention them all - Richa, Shilpi, Jaya, Khushbu, Priyanka - they hear me out everytime...tolerate my mood swings and still dont seem to leave me alone. then there's Ayesha, Pinku, Pooja, Neha, Supriya- all of them knw me so well...i can share anything n everything with them. hw cud i forget Nitesh, Vivek, Akash, Dheer - always helping, understnding me n caring for me ...

6. My inspirations - Dr.Parag, Sujay, Vidhi ,Devesh. they are the ones who have inspired me into trying something new, to constantly improve, to stay modest, to overcome my weaknesses, to move ahead in life n to be me.I always look up to them...they motivate me in their own unique ways.

6. Chocolates, icecreams, my books, my poems - all my remaining tensions r relived thanks to these.they all r my best friends!!

7. The one and only, GOD - Actually he comes first always.Talking to Him is the best thing i can ever think of doing.There hasnt been a single moment in these 21 yrs of my existence tht he's left me alone. He exists in me and in everythng arnd...My constant advisor, my friend, philosopher n guide...

Well people i just wanted to mention tht I really love u all...u've helped Radhika becum Radhika....its such a pleasure to be a part of your life.I'm glad to have met u!!!!!:)

Can someone explain???

The smile on your face
Still haunts my nights!
The twinkle in your eyes
Lights up my days!
…Yet my heart is aching!

The sound of your footsteps
Still offers me company!
The concern in your voice
Keeps me from being alone!
… Yet my heart is breaking!

You had no presence
Neither did you exist
Imagination and reality
Never went hand in hand
…But I am… still waiting!!!!!

Back to Indore....

...the first thing we did after reaching Dehradun was eat as all were feeling ravenous.The night was spent peacefully but the next day again started with waking up early in the morning, qeueing up for the bathroom, fighting for turns and finally getting ready to go!!

We went to SBSPGI first and were greeted by one of our seniors working there.The whole atmosphere was quite informal and everyone thoroughly enjoyed the visit.
That very day we visited the Forest Research Institute.The greenery all around was indeed a treat to the eyes.In the evening we were left on our own to go around the Paltan market.It was time for shopping and no one complained.

The next day we set off for Mussoorie...Sahastradhara and Kempty Falls fell in the way and we had a gala time. Nature was as its breathtaking best!!

By the time we actually reached Mussoorie it was evening...there we got to know that the ropeway was getting renovated and thus the whole exercise seemed futile.It all turned out to be a huge disappointment.

The last day at Dehradun was spent at the National Institute for the Visually Handicapped(NIVH). It was an overwhelming experience for all of us to see the visually challenged kids and adults performing various tasks efficiently.

Tht very day we left for Allahabad - our final destination.
Anand Bhawan - Pandit Nehru's residence took us back in history.
Early next morning we visited the Sangam - confluence of the three rivers, Ganga, Yamuna and Saraswati(the invisible river said to be flowing beneath the earth).The waters of the Ganga and Yamuna could easily be distinguished and it was wonderful to see them merge.

After the holy sojourn we visited the Leprosy Mission Hospital at Naini.The doctors there cleared our myths regarding patients suffering from leprsoy and it was some learning experience for all of us.

Finally it was time to leave for indore.Everyone was happy to be going back home but felt sad too for the journey was about to end.All those moments we'd spent together would be etched in our memories forever!!

For me it wasnt just a tour but an experience that made me realise the value of everyone around me...how lucky and blessed i was to be surrounded by all my loved ones!!!So for me,

Life isnt about finding faults,
u simply need some adjustment
Life isnt really bad,
just try living every moment
Life's all about learning to smile
and staying happy all the while!!!

A Trip....contd

We reached Chandigarh at 3 in the night. The night time adventure included dragging our trolleys on the streets of chandigarh as our bus left us in the middle of the road. But Chandigarh was grt....awesum city, not the least like Delhi.
The museum, lake and the rock garden were the places we went to, of course after visiting the post graduate institute(PGIMER),it was an educational tour, remember!!

The next day we went to Kasauli - it was the most beautiful place i'd seen all my life...amazing!!! The sights were breathtaking. The winding roads tht lead up to this quaint hill station did make me realise tht i suffered from a terrible form of motion sickness! Tht was the least enjoyable part but the overall experience was mindblowing..we walked abt 8 kms tht day without feeling the least bit of fatigue, probably the fresh air we breathed was reason for it! our lungs must have enjoyed it as well...

Haridwar....the holy city on the banks of the Ganges....our next destination
Having taking a dip in the mythical river made us feel as if our souls had been purified...
A ropeway took us upto the mansa devi temple atop a hill and it also allowed us a wonderful view of the entire city.

After haridwar we proceeded to rishikesh..another of those sacred cities of the north.it was our bad luck to have missed the ganga arti for we reached there late in the evening.crossing both the ram and lakshman jhulas was quite exciting for all of us.

We reached Dehradun tht same night and the next thing i rememeber is falling fast asleep. Travelling throughout the day did make us tired but we were ready for more excitement in the days to come...a major part of our journey was over but still it wasnt the end yet!!!!!!!

A Trip to remember!!

It feels great to wield the pen (read keyboard) after a long time. The ideas were always there but maybe I wasn’t. Other things kept me occupied and my first love took a back seat. Now that the study tour (an important part of our curriculum) is over I’m looking forward to going back to my usual schedule – college, the department and of course poetry. But before all that I’d like to mention all about the study tour…. For it surely deserves some space on my blog…

The beginning wasn’t exactly great – DELHI!!!
Having left Indore on the 4th of March we reached Delhi on the 5th morning.
We boarded the bus to reach the All India Institute of Medical Sciences-our first stop. No
sooner had the bus progressed when our buswallah almost collided with a guy on a bike and lo! the biker had climbed the bus window to hit the driver!!
The Delhi adventure had begun.
At AIIMS the OPD was in progress and so we had to wait.
In the meantime we decided to take lunch…finding a place wasn’t very easy. We got into a Blueline bus and soon realized that one of our classmates was left behind at AIIMS.
Poor guy! He alone knows how he managed to find us.

After finishing lunch we came back to AIIMS and were shown around the electrotherapy units.
In the evening we went to Connaught place and Palika bazaar…the most interesting bit was traveling in the Delhi metro…simply loved it!!
Crossing the road was fun as well for we stopped the traffic every time we did so…41 people altogether!

The next day was wholly reserved for sight seeing – Qutub Minar, towered above everything else. Also the iron pillar left us surprised as it stood rust free even after so many years!!
The Lotus temple was magnificent. (Sydney opera house, anyone?) I don’t have words to explain how wonderful it was to observe complete silence!!!
Then we visited the ISKCON temple and Chatarpur mandir – we paid reverence to Lord Shiva (it was Mahashivratri that day).

Now we had to see Red fort. But our driver had other things in mind. He didn’t pay heed to anyone and rushed ahead. This infuriated the boys and there was a heated exchange(gaalis and all) between them and the driver that ended with a few blows here and there. And so we had to walk through Chandni chowk to reach Red fort.
That was a tiresome walk through an awful place. Somehow we reached the fort and it looked really marvelous in the moonlight (the red stone wasn’t that obvious though).

At last the Delhi sojourn was over and we boarded the train to Chandigarh…
A new place and experience awaited us!!!!!!!

A long way ahead...

My mind's suffering from insomnia
A few dreams keep it awake
And its been asked to stay alert
Just for the future's sake

Ideas visit often these days
Mingling freely with my thoughts
Chalking out plans together
To take care of all my faults

Challenges appear time and again
Growing minute by minute
Yet aspirations continue to soar high
The sky being their limit

This journey shall test my patience
More obstacles would be thrown in
But with determination & hardwork as companions
All I'll be able to do is...WIN!!!

Simply..... friends!!!

I stand, surrounded by a myriad of faces
Some familiar, mostly strange
Amongst them are those few…
Whom I proudly call my friends

All alone I might appear to be,
Yet their presence is constant.
For their thoughts brighten me up
Bringing on a smile every other instant

Certain circumstances do arise when,
Friends seem too difficult to please.
But then I believe if relationships are true,
They wont simply cease.

At times they leave me baffled
When they manage to read my mind
And then I keep wondering
Are my friends one of a kind???

I seriously try to search for answers
Alas! My questions lose relevance
As I think about the moments I shared
With those few…my dearest of friends!!!